Everybody at SHIELD tells Chuck Norris jokes, but they change them so they are about Phil Coulson. Phil Coulson tells Chuck Norris jokes, but he changes them so they are about Captain America.
Coulson’s favorite is “Captain America once took a piss in a truck’s gas tank as a joke. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.”
Submitted by madman-with-a-pen
The real reason Phil Coulson is so competent and unflappable isn’t just training and hard work: he’s actually stuck in an elogated Groundhog Day-style loop several iterations in.
The actual point of restart is slightly before the first Iron Man movie (which is why he was so conveniently waiting for Pepper right as she was leaving Stane’s office) and the current canon is the most recent iteration.
He amuses himself each iteration by taking out the burglars at the gas station in a different way. They haven’t gotten away once.
It took him a quite a few times to figure out how to nudge Thor into being “worthy.” Giving him a wrong to right by taking Jane’s science equipment (and Darcy’s iPod, even though he knows exactly how much of a grudge she’ll hold) and letting Loki (who has never heard of a security camera) talk to Thor and all of that. Once or twice he tried to just shoot Loki when he showed up, but that always ended badly.
In the second Iron Man movie, he obviously didn’t have much patience for Tony’s woe-is-me antics after the fourth or fifth time he had to put up with them. In a couple iterations Tony did discover the new element to fix the reactor but the palladium poisoning was too far gone to cure, so making Tony FOCUS was a big priority to him.
Fury knows about the cycle, of course. He finds it mildly annoying how Phil always has a perfect comeback to everything he says as a result. Fury first same up with the idea of Phil faking his death, but Phil has claimed credit for it ever since.
Phil was seriously tempted to start again with a new iteration the first time he found out Fury bloodied up his Captain America cards, but Fury eventually convinced him it was necessary.
And yet, no matter how many times he goes through it, he still can’t seem to keep himself from looking like a moron in front of Captain America.
Submitted by anon
On Coulson’s days off of S.H.I.E.L.D. he works as a Disneyland undercover cop
so he wears the same shades
khaki shorts
a Hawaiian shirt
and the same jacket
and sits on the benches and eats ice cream
and goes on the rides
and occasionally puts people in Disney jail
Submitted by therivanqueen
Submitted by ysabbb
Tony Stark: Last Partay Night.
Tony slowly opened his eyes, sight blurry, house full of mess. He can’t get off his bed, and he was hugging a pillow, very comfortable. He forced himself. He was swaying when he stood up, hardly catching his balance… and wore clothes.
Natasha puts down “Atheist” whenever she has to state her religion on paper. However, she does still say short prayers before each mission. This is because, while she doesn’t remember her parents very well, she has a vague memory of her mother being a very devout Russian Orthodox woman, even during the years of Communism in Russia. The only people who know this are Clint and Coulson, who caught her saying a prayer during the mission in Budapest. They now join her prayers whenever they can.
Submitted by diaryofawriter
After Natasha defected to SHIELD and finished all the deprogramming and anti-brainwashing measures, she found that she no longer had any interest in sex, for missions or in her private life. It had nothing to do with past abuse or a desire to only use her body for her own purposes now that she was free. (That’s what Fury and Coulson assumed when she told them she would not be going on any seduction missions.) It’s because during the deprogramming she felt like she had been broken into a million little pieces. Even after the doctors cleared her and said she was fine, Natasha still struggled to put all these pieces back together. If she couldn’t fit all the pieces of herself together, how could she fit with someone else? How could she put two pieces together to make one, if her piece was broken?
Submitted by codenamezinc
Fury doesn’t actually hate any of the members of the team - strongly dislike, yes, but more so because they get on his last nerve and not because of how they do in the field. Coulson, of course, is they only one who knows this.
Submitted by anon
The team all had different ways on how they approached Coulson after he returned from the dead.
Tony had taken one look at him, dragged him to the Tower’s bar, then proceeded to get drunk enough that he may have cried on him a little (more than a little). Neither of them mention it. Ever.
Bruce had given him a little half-smile, and told him not to do anything so reckless again, because they wouldn’t be able to handle it a second time. None of them would.
Thor had hugged him. Hard. Phil had had to pry him off and tell him he was hurting his ribs to get him to put him down.
Natasha had vanished for two days before returning and giving him a dry smile. Fury may or may not have had a limp for a week or so afterward.
Clint had nearly collapsed after seeing him, but managed to gather enough strength to wrangle Phil into a team movie night. If a puppy pile resulted, no one questioned it. And if Clint kept a closer eye on his handler afterward, they were none the wiser.
Steve had also hugged him, and gave him a watery smile. He didn’t cry, but it was a close thing.
Submitted by maidenofiron157
This is a collection of headcanons for the Avengers! Hope you enjoy.
